FertilityTies posts tagged with loss

Bright Eyes needs advice.

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:00:28 -0600

How do you cope with the news that your odds of having children are a billion to one. (If you are even that lucky.) There are days when everything is fine and then there are days when the emotional and physical pain is never ending. I have more emotional support then I could ask for from friends and family but there is still this void that I can't over come and I don't know how to deal with it.

Bright Eyes

Unexplicable Sadness

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:42:48 -0600

Our journey began with the two of us finding a second chance at undying love and happiness. We decided to pull the goalie and try for a child. I already have a son from a previous marriage (13yrs - gulp). We first learned we were pregnant July 2008. We were happy. I cried with delight. We chatted about all the exciting things that come with pregnancy; nervousness, anxiousness, happiness... the adventure ended with exploring the feelings of sadness. Those associated to a loss. September 2008, we miscarried - 10 weeks along. I was devastated. 2 weeks short of the "green light zone" and we learn the foetus was measuring just under 7 weeks. Just not fair. Meanwhile, everyone I know is getting pregnant and some of which were totally unplanned and some even unwanted... I wanted... badly. This broke my heart. It was the first time I wanted it - the first time, it was not planned - I love him dearly and wouldn't change a thing.. but definitely unplanned. I had a friend who I walked through the roller-coaster of infertility with. I was saddened by her journey, which ended in two healthy lovely children – but she would speak to me of her angst towards those who could get pregnant. I understand that now. I am happy, but at the same time feel cheated. I find myself making faces at the television when a mother speaks of her pregnancy on TLC. I am not like this – but it is changing me. 

December 2008, we were going away to Jamaica for a family vacay with some friends. My friend was pregnant at the time so it was easy to not take advantage of the all inclusive drinks. I was otherwise feeling normal. While away I experienced some severe pain – I sloughed it off to ovulation – usually happens to me anyway. When it was still present the next day, I decided to speak to the Dr. to ensure there wasn’t something wrong... we were trying – what if it was an ectopic, right? In hind-sight, he didn’t even do a pregnancy test. I had my period on the 9th of Dec for 7 days. This was happening on the 23rd or so. He gave me some antibiotics and told me I had PID. Hmmm.. Ok. When I got home on the 27th, I did a HPT – Got a positive. I was excited, happy , scared and thought “here we go again”. 3 hours later, I started spotting. I miscarried early into the New Year. They said I was probably pregnant before leaving on vacay.

Feb 2009. I get ref’d to a Gyno for monitoring and testing. Have a few tests done and she gives us the green light to keep trying. We also get a rec for a consult with a fertility clinic. Fertility clinic Dr. scares me and I decide to give Gyno a try – she was the one who helped us at the Emerg when I miscarried in Sept (total fluke). Early March 2009, I’m pregnant. We start taking progesterone. Early May 2009 – another miscarriage. My dates put me at 8 weeks along and foetus size doesn’t exceed 6 weeks. Again.

Gyno sends us for testing, genetic counselling and we decide to take a SOLID break from trying and enjoy the summer. Enjoy each other as husband and wife...

July 2009, we go through a battery of tests with Fertility Guru. He assures us he thinks our case is easy... Sept 2009 we meet for a follow up – he tells us there is no cut and dry answer, unfortunately since everything with me and with hubby seems fine. Only guess is that my cycle is too long and that something is happening in that time to make things go south. We take that theory and run with it. Letrozole 5mgs day 3 to day 7. Cycle monitoring starting on day 8. “3 cycles should do it” says Fertility Guru.

3 cycles later, no dice. Back to Fertility Guru for Plan B. He suggests perhaps upping the anti a little and trying Gonal F day 3 onward with a trigger shot then followed by a sperm wash/and 2 consecutive IUIs. We decided to give it a shot. “3 cycles should to it” says Fertility Guru again... to which I replied “3 cycles is all you’ve got, cause I’m taking the summer off!”.

So far, we are in plan B – 1st cycle. I’m trying to be hopeful and keep a positive demeanour.

The process is exciting, tiring, frustrating, and soooo many other emotions. Hubby and I get lost in it sometimes... and I try to remember what it is we are doing... and WHY.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for reading!

xxx

SdSunshine

me and my dark cloud...

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:47:56 -0600

I thought I would start writing a bit on here about our TTC journey and where it takes us.

We have bee TTC since about Feb 2008, we went a year before I talked to my doctor about the hardship we were going through to get pregnant and all the problems I had had in the past with pregnancy and miscarriage, so we were sent for lots of tests, since I got pregnant with my son James I already knew I had a misshaped uterus and Rhesus sensitivity so my chances of having another living child were very low, but I asked for more help and more testing and fighting had them confirm that I had a bad case of PCOS that the cysts I had were choking my ovaries and that was our main cause of infertility, we were send to the hospital infertility clinic for more help the doctor we got there was pretty nasty piece of work but she got all the tests done and results were sorted and in June 2009 were finally accepted for fertility treatment, in the first week in September I started on Clomid with high hopes, we knew that the chances of it working right away were slim to none... but after our 3rd round I got a positive pregnancy test which I was soooo excited about but we have no idea what happened but after a few days we only got negative tests, we were offered a scan which I accepted at first but after the negative tests I knew there was little point and it was just my hormones or defect tests so we up the dosage of clomid from 50mg to 100mg, still we have had no luck, next month is our last month on clomid and I don't know what will happen then, for our last month on clomid we are going to try 150mg and see what happens but I hold little hope that it will work, I don't know what our next step will be but I can only hope it can get better,

Infertility is soo depressing and I hate to think it might take decades to get pregnant, with every year that passes that’s another year closer to me being unable to ever have children...

I often get asked if I would do it all again lose all my babies and I would because I got James and I can only hope I will be blessed again in the near future, I know that I miss all my little ones they will never be replaced, but it was out of my control that they had to die, I could never have chosen between my babies who lived and died, that was decided for me. but if there was a god and he told me I only had to suffer X amount of losses would I do it if it meant I would have a healthy baby in the end, after all the losses I have suffered I would say that I think I might take the offer but I will never know and there is no guarantee about our future or fertility, so until then I will study and I will better myself, I will love my partner and I will love all my angels and my living son, I will know that I am blessed and I will know that I can hope and pray. I can only hope that one day there will be a cure that there will be an answer that there will be something, something better than this, all this suffering, but in the end its worth it just to hold our healthy children!

That’s my conclusion as I start 2010, I pray with all my heart and soul I will be a mum again!

molly192

Losing the pregancy weight before the next pregnancy buddies, please join!

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:21:08 -0600

Not sure if there's one of these already,but I'm trying to loss the pregnancy weight of last pregnancy befoe the next pregnancy. So far I have lost 33lbs & I have 9-11lbs left to go out of the 42lbs I gained. I was 144lbs before I got pregnant w/my last & went all the way up to 186lbs. I'm hoping to have some buddies who are trying to loss weight before their next pregnancy. I have some medical & fertility issues so even though my last baby was born in June I'm ttc & hoping to be preg & down to pre-pregnancy weight by Jan. Come on ladies let's lose some weight! :)

~miracles_do_happen~

inspiring for those of us who have lost someone before their time

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:29:44 -0500

The Heart

“Tomorrow morning,” the surgeon began, “I’ll open up your heart…”

“You’ll find Jesus there,” the boy interrupted.

The surgeon looked up, annoyed. “I’ll cut your heart open,” he continued,

“to see how much damage has been done…”

“But when you open up my heart, you’ll find Jesus in there.” The surgeon

looked to the parents, who sat quietly.

“When I see how much damage has been done, I’ll sew your heart and chest

back up and I’ll plan what to do next.”

“But you’ll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The

hymns all say He lives there. You’ll find Him in my heart.” The surgeon

had enough. “I’ll tell you what I’ll find in your heart. I’ll find

damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I’ll find

out if I can make you well.” “You’ll find Jesus there too. He lives

there.” The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,

“…damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle

degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:

painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, ” here he paused, “death within one

year.” He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.

“Why?” he asked aloud. “Why did You do this? You’ve put him here; You’ve

put him in this pain; and You’ve cursed him to an early death. Why?”

The Lord answered and said, “The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your

flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here,

in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot

imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know

peace, and My flock will continue to grow.”

The surgeon’s tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. “You created

that boy, and You created that heart. He’ll be dead in months. Why?”

The Lord answered, “The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he

has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him,

but to retrieve another lost lamb.” The surgeon wept.

The surgeon sat beside the boy’s bed; the boy’s parents sat across from

him. The boy awoke and whispered, “Did you cut open my heart?”

“Yes,” said the surgeon.

“What did you find?” asked the boy.

“I found Jesus there,” said the surgeon.

- Author Unknown

I loved this story so much I had to share it. Thanks for reading it. :)

einstein♥with♥wings (Praying God, please send us a baby girl of our own ♥♥♥)

loss by ectopic

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:41:03 -0500

I found out I was pregnant on a thursday, told my husband he was gonna be a daddy on friday, had 3 days of excitement before I got the most devastating news an expecting woman can hear.

Started having pain 10 post ovulation. 5 days later went to the dr. with more intense pain and he told me emergency surgery was the cure. The next morning (on my 26th birthday) I went in for surgery to have the life growing inside me taken away. Now I'm feeling kinda empty and I'm not really sure what to do from here. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling either.... almost numb. Its been almost 3 weeks since my surgery but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My best friend gave me the idea to check out this website... she told me it might be helpful to talk with other women who have been through something similar. Anyone else in my same boat?

iwannabeamama2

Here we go....

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 13:13:17 -0500

Until now I have never sat down and thought about my whole journey of having babies...I have always thought of the now and never of the whole thing...

Me and DH decided to have a baby when we were both 20yrs old(everybody thinks that because we were so young, our baby was an oops but oh well) and it was actually before we even got married. I stopped taking bc and a month later I found out I was pg! We got married 3mths later and on our wedding day I spotted. Got into the dr had an u/s and I was fine. Then when I was about 20wks I went in to the dr for my exam and he told me my cervix was already starting to shorten. I was put on partial bedrest, had to go in for an exam every week and had to have an u/s every month(which was pretty neat because now I have LOTS of u/s pics). Well come to find out, my shortened cervix is normal for me(I am a pretty petite person) and my dd decided to come after her due date! She was born Aug 06.

Then I think in May 08 me and DH decided to start for #2. I stopped bc pills and in Aug 08 we found out we were pregnant. Everything was fine in the beginning. I remember getting really sick when I was about 8-9wks along. Everytime I moved I would throw up. I went in for my every 4wk exam when I was 9-10wks along. When the nurse tried to find the heartbeat she couldnt find it so the dr tried too and told me that I could come back in a week to try to find it again or they could get me in for an u/s. I took the u/s(of course). My dr did the u/s. We saw the little baby but it was measuring 2wks behind and the heartbeat was really slow. The dr told me I was probably going to lose my baby and I had to make an appt on the following thursday for a follow up. I was devasted! I even had to go back to work because people were gone and nobody was there in my dept and to answer phones so you could probably guess how I sounded answering the phone! I couldnt stop crying. I thought by going back into work it would allow me to think about something else...didnt really work. So for that whole week I was a mess then my appt came. We went in and the technician did my u/s. She wouldnt say a word to us about the baby. Just took pics and gave them to my dr. ( I am tearing up just writing this) My dr took us into the room and told us we lost our baby. It was gone..vanished. I didnt even have the bleeding that normally goes with a m/c. It was like the baby evaporated. Then the dr told me he thinks I could have had a molar pregnancy where the baby leaves behind tumors. So now not only did I lose my baby I was told I could have tumors. The dr told me I had to go to the hospital and have a d&c done. I made the appt for the next day. I just wanted to get it over with. So we went to the hospital, they had to put me all the way under and in a few hours I was on my way. That was the end of it. no more baby. Found out it wasnt a molar pregnancy but probably a genetic problem with the baby.

Now we are here. It has taken me until now to have the courage to try again. I told dh that I am not promising I wont be a nut case worrying about the baby. I hope everything works out and I am praying for a baby soon!

Here we go!!!!

*hoping4baby*

My agonzing and painful journey that I hope leads to motherhood.....

Wed, 06 May 2009 20:41:18 -0500

Where do I begin, so much has happened in this crazy journey. DH and I were happily in love and just planning our wedding when I found out I was pregnant. I had to get off the pill because I was having really bad cramps and I had fibroids and bam, I was pregnaant the very next cycle. We were so thrilled, over the moon happy. We moved up our wedding up to Nov. 07 and life was great. Then, in Dec. 07, at 20 wks 2days, two days after my big u/s where we found out the sex, we lost our son. I had a bacteria infection that went undiagnosed and therefore untreated, and it traveled up to my uterus and caused pre-mature rupture of membranes. I went into labor and by the time I got the hospital, my baby's head was already in my cervix and I was already 3cm dialated and there was nothing they could do to save him. Naturally, since we got pregnant without even trying, I assumed we would get a BFP a few months later. Well, here we are, a year and several months later, no BFP. We've done 2 iuis, one with clomid at an old clinic and the clomid really thins my lining. The second iui was a clomid-gonal f combo, we had 5 follies and no BFP. My heart literally aches for the baby I lost and the baby that I have yet to hold in my arms. I feel like I was so close, I wonder if I will ever have another chance.

We are currently in the middle of our first, and hopefully only, IVF cycle. I look forward to getting to know all of you!!!

lifeluver24

Still No Af Following Loss

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:45:55 -0500

Dr. Q and Ladies,

I have been ttc for nearly 2 yrs following a tr in April 07'. We got pregnant on our own in February with a heartbreaking loss on 3/6, as the little one was in the tube.

I still have not had af.

I did get a +opk on 4/1. I have had very sore boobs, which seems to have gotten better today, and very tired and having alot of cramping.

RE is sending me for a beta tomorrow.

I keep feeling like af is coming?? Since my boobs aren't as sore I'm guessing, progesterone has already peaked and af will arrive in the next couple of days?

Has anyone had this experience following a loss?

We are waiting for af as we are preparing to do our first round of IVF in May.

Love & Blessings!

Stephanie Beckner

How long does bleeding last after a loss/ectopic?

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:40:32 -0500

Ladies and Dr. Q,

I had an ectopic pregnancy which ended in a loss on 3/6. We are preparing for our first round of IVF in the next couple of months.

I am wondering how long the bleeding, etc will last? I have bled off and on, but it has never been too heavy.

It went from very dark brown one week, then nothing and now for almost a week I have had brighter red bleeding and cramping.

When can I expect my first AF??

Thank you all!

Love & Blessings, and loads of baby dust to all!

Steph

Stephanie Beckner

Is Using Acai Berry while TTC Safe?

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:28:22 -0500

DrQ: have you heard of Acai Berry has a weight loss suplement? I want something to help boost my energy & control hunger but do not want to take anything that is not safe while TTC. What are your thoughts on this supplement?

Wendy Lou

Loss and Moving On

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:29:54 -0500

Hi all!

We suffered a loss last week. We had a beautiful early pregnancy,hcg started low but was rising very very well, but progesterone stayed low. However, baby was in the tube.The surgery was Friday, March 6th. I had a dream it was a little girl and we are believing that in our hearts and have given her the name Sophia Grace.

We are praying we will conceive again very very soon. We will also be talking to the re about IVF next week as well.

Thank you all for your prayers. Chels, thank you so much for keeping in touch last week.

God bless you.

Stephanie Beckner

middle back pain real bad and sort of trouble breathing pain is so bad!

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:07:03 -0500

i have some middle back pain im 17 weeks pregnant everytime i sneeze,cough or just breathe it hurts really bad the pain feels like someone is stabbing me in the back with a knife i have trouble bending down and walking because it hurts. im wondering if it could have something to do with my lungs? please any advice would be great. ps im waiting for an opening at the doctors.

samanthajane

£Part 2 of Angelfish's 2009 New Year's Resolution of Losing Weight and Getting My Health £

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:24:51 -0600

Hi everyone! I have been on this site for about 2 years now and our ttc journey has been very very hard and long. I have had a total of 4 miscarriages maybe 5 (think I had one in Nov, 2008 but I cannot prove it). Also I have always had a battle with my weight it goes up it goes down mess. I'm going to be very honet I'm just plain lazy and love to eat. I'm not a mood eater I'm just a junk and fast food person I love it. lol. Admitting it the first step correct!!!I have tried and tried to overcome this issue.

Well the late part of the Summer of 2008 I was doing great. My wonderful dh was recovering from surgery to fix some issues that was causing us some major ttc issues and this issue was messing with his general health. However his dr said that it may or may not "fix" things so my wonderful dh wanted to get these issues sorted just for his general health and to lower his risk of future cancer risk. His surgery went well. Thanks for the support and the prayers with that. http://www.fertilityties.com/post/show/sending-angelfish-some-hugs-and-prayers

http://www.fertilityties.com/post/show/our-journey-of-ttc-has-ended-thank-all-you-for-everything

So early August, 2008 I was working out and my knee popped and I went down the ground. Well I messed up my knee and part of my low calf (broke a bone) and some bones in my foot. Had some ups and downs with that. So we were dealing with my recovery and my poor dh's recovery. Not easy but it was done.

So I was getting the all clear with my knee and I was sitting in our home and keep on thanking god for everything in my life the good and bad and decided to make 2009 the best year ever and share my battle with the bulge. So I wrote this journey and to be very honest with myself and to show others how it can be done without the gimics out there. So this was my first ever journey I wrote below....

http://www.fertilityties.com/post/show/-angelfish-s-2009-new-year-s-resolution-my-goal-of-being-healthy-losing-weight-looking-and-feeling-better-in-2009

So over the past few weeks the thread is having some issues and some members e-mail asking to start a part 2 so I'm going to do that. Here is part 2 the good, the bad, and the ugly....the honest truth of me gaining my body back and gaining my freedom back from what I did.

angelfish

Would high body temperature cause a miscarriage?

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:00:47 -0600

I've recently been told that I will miscarry soon. I remember a couple of weeks ago that our electric blanket was on too high and that I woke up sweating. Could this have caused my body temp to rise to so high that I would lose the baby?

babylove3

If you lost your mucous plug in first pregnancy before labor..will you on the next?

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 08:30:00 -0600

If you lost your mucous plug prior/during labor with one pregnancy, how likely will you loose it again with the next prior to labor?

Thanks :)

Mom of 2

TTC and Journey book

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:46:25 -0600

Kelly and I thought it might be nice to write a book about our efforts, successes and failures of TTC. Something similar to a "Chicken Soup for TTCers."

Our initial thought is to write about our personal journey so that others who read it can maybe relate to it or learn from it. I love to write and edit so I can take on that responsibility.

I also have a cousin who is a producer in Hollywood that has "connections" and he said he would check into discussing the idea with several publishers he regularly deals with.

The proceeds from the book would be equally shared among contributors if anything actually came of it. I have a friend who is an attorney that I was planning on discussing it with when I see her next.

I have high hopes for this! Anyone interested????

Maggie

Lizsmum TTC#2

Kelly's IVF Journey...take two

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 22:51:45 -0600

There they are. All present and all accounted for- Prometrium, Lupron, estrogen, progesterone in oil. All lined up like my own little fertility army. I double check the box to make sure they're all there. Then without warning a tear slides down my cheek. Then another. Soon I'm sobbing so hard I can barely catch my breath. I just want to take that box of medicine and throw it against the wall. I should not be sitting here planning for my 2nd round of IVF. I should be up in the nursery folding little pink dresses and little pink blankets. I should be caressing my growing 29 week pregnant belly- counting down the days. Instead I'm here alone in my kitchen with my box of medications and its so freaking unfair.

Just 10 weeks ago my husband and I were on cloud nine. We practically floated into the doctor's office. After all it was our big day. We were going to find out if our former guest room would soon be painted pink or blue. Instead, the doctor gave us news we never could have seen coming. There on the ultrasound screen our little girl was no longer wiggling, no longer growing, no longer alive. Thirty six hours later I delivered my precious girl, just 7 inches long and a slight 3.2 ounces. I held her in my arms as best as I could and said goodbye to a daughter I never got to know.

So here we are. Starting over. Physically this time should be easier. But emotionally who knows? I find a little comfort in rereading the IVF protocol. The routine is familiar- and that helps in some small way. If this round works as planned, we'll be holding our little miracle before the end of the year. And that's what keeps me going. So here's the plan:

Feb 5th- Start Prometrium

Feb 11th- Start Lupron

Mar 2nd- baseline ultrasound, start estrogen

March 11th- ultrasound

March 16th- ultrasound

March 20th- transfer 2 frozen embryos "frosties"

April 1st- (Yes April Fool's Day)- Beta- it will be BFP!

Please share with me your journey. I'm so glad to have the women of FT for support this time around.

Kellytren is having triplets!!!

son's memorial site

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:17:00 -0600

If you are interested in seeing our εïз Angel's εïз memorial site, here it is: http://anthonyowen.weebly.com .. while youre there please sign the guestbook to let us know you stopped by

SaraM0412

Weight loss during pregnancy.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:10:37 -0600

I am currently 19 weeks pregnant and have not gained any weight. I have lost only 3 lbs but I am wondering if there is anything I should be worried about? I am heavier set and I can afford to lose weight, but I never thought I would lose it while being pregnant. During my first pregnancy I gained 35 lbs. Why am I losing weight this time around????

nat710