FertilityTies posts tagged with funny

Try this, its hilarious!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:10:05 -0600

go to this website and make the horses sing.

LOL its funny in a very strange, bored out of your mind way =)

http://www.clickpix.de/horses.htm

Jennifer Wolf

Women's Ass Size Study

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 23:23:55 -0600

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway!

ashmcc

Attention all pet lovers :)

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:39:20 -0600

I got the below email yesterday and it is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

Christina Meives

NOTHING to do with ttc, but ElfYourself! Anyone wanting a good laugh...

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:52:46 -0600

Check this out, and make your own! LOL

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/8KpsmWroiijp24yjHvSZ

>

georgiagirl

Funny story I HAD to share!!!!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 09:40:37 -0600

Ok so hubby and I were just talking about some stuff on the phone, and how im all freaking out that people will want to take Noah all the time, mainly his parents. Anyways I was saying well so long as breastfeeding goes well, he cant really go anywhere without me for a couple months, since apparently he will be attached to this boob thing...haha. Then it hit me!

You know how men LOVE boobs, its just there nature. Well no freaking wonder, from basically the second they are born, they get introduced to this boob, and its like the are destined to love it for life...haha!

Anyways it was soo funny, we were both just laughing so hard, because when you think about it, its true.

Sorry had to share :)

Jolene

I know yall want a good laugh!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:04:36 -0500

Gosh I have the BEST husband ever. He painted my toe nails last night for me, he is the one that actually offered.

Just wanted to share the pics, and then the outcome...haha, thankfully the polish will come off the skin in the shower...haha!

Excuse the piggies, they are soo fat now and this is actually them looking good. They just swell like crazy right now. The past couple weeks, its been soo bad, but hey what do you expect...I know so many of yall have been there, and just wait so many of yall are goin to be there...haha!

Jolene

Hilarious Animal Humor as a distraction from TTC

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:31:25 -0500

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.......DOGS RULE !!!

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

oliver12

Democrate and Republican Kitten give away

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:42:29 -0500

This man was at the Wal-mart standing out side giving away a Democrate Kitten. He approach to this man walking in to Wal-mart, Free Democrate Kitten would like a free Democrate Kitten??? This man said, No Sir, I am not a Demorcrate, but thank you anyway.

Well this man came back to Wal-mart again the next day saying Free Democrate Kitten, and the Old woman walked by and he approach to her, would you like a free Democrate Kitten? she replied, Lord honey, NO, Im a Republican

Finally the next day, he was standing by the Wal-mart store saying Free Republican Kitten, anyone wants a Free Republican kitten? This man that came to Walmart the other day approach to him saying it was a Democarat the other day what makes them different today?

....BECAUSE THEY GOT THEIR EYES OPEN....

angie 2dpiui

Someone Stop Me I'm Obssesed with OPK tests!!!

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:11:28 -0500

So tonight I got a BFN, so time to start over again when my AF arrives... it's actually 4 days late so if it doesnt come in the next week I'm gonna have to see my doc to see what's up... anyhoot... I got on Ebay and bought so much stuff!! Guys stop me! I bought more sensors for my OV watch (lets see if I win the auction), I bought preseed, bought OV test strips that come with pregnancy tests... LOL I went overboard I know. Its what makes me feel better after a BFN... :( I also put a bid on the Clearblue Fertility Predictor... anyone used this before? Is it effective?

Bellaflorita7

Hahahaha... if you need a laugh.....

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:31:23 -0500

Meghan

just some humor...

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:50:16 -0500

this has nothing to do w/ ttc, but i thought maybe some of you would like a laugh. i like to caption it "wedding dress to make a mom and dad proud"

http://poststuff5.entensity.net/092208/image.php?pic=weddingdress.jpg

oliver12

preggo's letter! lol!

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:05:06 -0500

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. ..

If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having ababy is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm.

Any other response makes you an a$$

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you.You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body.You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus,cervix or how they plan to use their breasts.Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever.A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face.Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended.The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may soundcrazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals.Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited.This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor,delivery, the hospital and the parents home.You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out".If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you willbe asked for it.

9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should cleanup the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way.Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering withbreastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents.Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child.Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.

Signed,

All Pregnant Women

chelsharmony

is this ok

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:08:50 -0500

ok i dont ovulate till tomorrow but i had se last night and 2 nights b4 that now i feel something like flys in my tummy and like they jump around is that a good thing or bad

♥Jenn TTC#1♥

You are not welcome in my home

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 11:41:55 -0500

You are not welcome in my home. I am officially getting a restraining on you today before you just "show up". You never call or write..just show up. What is up with that? Everytime you come..you ALWAYS make a mess. You cause intentional pain and suffering. I have always call you "aunt" but have never considered you family. I am disowning you. I got rid of you for good three years ago, but you will not be visiting my surrogate for the next 40 weeks or longer. Good bye Mrs. Flow...get out of our lives.

Meganttcsurrostyle

I Feel Funny...

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:36:42 -0500

I'm on CD 23 and I have no idea if I even ovulated. Most of the time I don't ovulate on my own.

Anyway, I started very lightly spotting about 4 days ago and it continued to get more and more noticable (this is not uncommon for me, usually I spot for a week or two before AF). I figured AF was once again on her way.

Anyway, over the weekend I started feeling really weird. Tired, my boobs started hurting a little more than normal, and I started getting sick out of the blue. I'd be eating something feeling fine, then throw up, then back to feeling fine again. Over and over again. Throw up, feel fine, throw up, feel fine, out of no where.

Knowing that AF was on her way because of the spotting, I didn't think anything about being pregnant, but this morning, the spotting stopped completely! That is not normal... once my spotting starts, it usually is there until AF.

What is going on? Could I be pregnant? Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

GonnaBeMommy

Something to make everyone SMILE!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:19:41 -0500

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was

to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off

now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,

Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been

expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you

know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and

me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In

and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the

job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a

good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had

to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod

and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much

too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Chas

Girls....girls...only the gifted can do the handstand!

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 08:35:39 -0500

Ok.....I think I will be O tomorrow so last night after some good BD....Dh stayed put and I attempted to take me feet against his chest (that part worked...somehow) and put a pillow under my butt so I could then put myself into a what I like to call "FT handstand"!!! Didn't work, made a mess, lol! Some leaked out, hope that doesn't hurt and the good swimmers made it to town...LMAO!!! Just thought of ya'll while that was going on and thought I would share as we all need a laugh and feel free to have it at my expense! Babydust ya'll!

KEM

craziest thing you did while ttc

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 23:05:57 -0600

thought id start a post about what was the most craziest desperate thing you did while ttc.il start i actually drank leftover glass of water that my pregnant friend left so that maybe i could CATCH the pregnancy bug!haha

galaa27