FertilityTies posts tagged with funny, jokes

Hilarious Animal Humor as a distraction from TTC

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:31:25 -0500

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.......DOGS RULE !!!

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

oliver12

Democrate and Republican Kitten give away

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:42:29 -0500

This man was at the Wal-mart standing out side giving away a Democrate Kitten. He approach to this man walking in to Wal-mart, Free Democrate Kitten would like a free Democrate Kitten??? This man said, No Sir, I am not a Demorcrate, but thank you anyway.

Well this man came back to Wal-mart again the next day saying Free Democrate Kitten, and the Old woman walked by and he approach to her, would you like a free Democrate Kitten? she replied, Lord honey, NO, Im a Republican

Finally the next day, he was standing by the Wal-mart store saying Free Republican Kitten, anyone wants a Free Republican kitten? This man that came to Walmart the other day approach to him saying it was a Democarat the other day what makes them different today?

....BECAUSE THEY GOT THEIR EYES OPEN....

angie 2dpiui

Something to make everyone SMILE!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:19:41 -0500

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was

to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off

now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,

Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been

expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you

know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and

me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In

and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the

job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a

good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had

to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod

and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much

too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Chas