October 16, 2009
my infertility. i am 24 and can not seem to ovulate. in the beginning of july i fell naturally pregnant. imagine my astonishment, i don't have normal periods and never have and miraculously i became pregnant with our little lovie. unforunately, i lost the baby at the end of august. since then, my husband and i have been on a quest to start our family. we've been married for four years and feel it's time. so we proceed to clomid cd 5-9 50mg/day for five days. nothing, nada, zip. i didn't ovulate. so my dose was increased to 100mg/day for five days. nothing, nada, zip. i didn't ovulate. so they diagnosed me with pcos. and now i'm on gonal f and lupron. i don't know the dosages as i haven't received the rx yet (in the mail) and i couldn't read the doc's lingo. so here i am about to begin the gonal f shots. i am scared, excited, worried, and a managerie of other emotions. i hope that the shots work for me. i worry what will happen if the shots don't work. i wonder if i will have children. i'm crying nonstop. i don't understand what's going on with me. i don't know that i'm ready to accept that i'm infertile. what if i can't make eggs? then that's it, no iui or ivf will help me. you can't have those procedures without an egg. sure there are donor eggs, but i don't know how i feel about that. i think i'm worrying a lot and looking too far into the future. it's just, for the past three months i have heard nothing but bad news. i hear the impatience in that sentence, i know. time, time, time. i'm in a bad place right now, i'm not sure where to go, how to feel, or what to say. i just know that this thing asked for a journey, so here it is. this is my journey. hopefully one day i'll be able to tell my children about this journey and look upon it lovingly.
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November 02, 2009