June 04, 2009
My story began a little over 4 years ago when my husband and I got married. I was one of those women who wanted to get pregnant right away. I even stopped my birth control 3 months before the wedding. I was so hoping for a honeymoon baby but after 5 months with no success I figured something may be up. Besides I'm young what could take so long. Being a labor and delivery nurse I also had the worst in mind as usual of what the problem could be. So I went to the OB and I made my husband go to the Urologist to get a SA.
About 1 month later my results all came back normal. I remember going with my husband to recieve the results of my husbands SA and for the first time thinking positively that we would hear maybe low sperm count and that we would be fine. I will never forget the words Azoospermia. I was like what the hell is that? The doc went on to explain that my husband would never have children naturally and that his sperm count was ZERO. I could not believe it. I could not process it. My heart ached for my husband. I did not know if he would ever be ok.
So in December about 2 months later we started going to an Infertility Doc. We actually started with IVF with donor sperm. How interesting it is to decide on a donor with my husband. We looked at it like a half adoption. Just like you can adopt embryos this was a half adoption of an embryo. I did 3 rounds and got pregnant twice both of them chemical pregnancies. At that time I was so naive. Everytime I got a positive pregnancy test I was full of only joy and excitement never thinking that I could miscarry and both times I was completely devastated.
After that we decided to try IUI with donor sperm of course. I did two cycles and it did not work but a year and half had passed with terrible results now and I was still not a mom. I decided that day that I would let my dream die. I would bury it and move on and find a new dream to live for. Besides my husband had to let his die that he would father a biological child so why would I get to have a biological child? That's when my husband and I decided we should adopt our children.
So 1 month later we started the paperwork. I have to say, I thought that I would have an easier time with adoption than with infertility and I came to find out that they were equally difficult with ups and downs and sometimes being told it may not happen. Sometimes it left me feeling vulnerable to other peoples decisions. Finally almost exactly a year to the day that we started paperwork on the adoption I was matched with a 6 month old baby girl from Colombia. She was beautiful and I immediately fell in love with her. I was finally a mommy and that was in the end my ultimate goal.
Now fast forward to 9 months later. Arabella was now 16 months and I was trying to decide what to do next. I always wanted more than one child. Do I try again or do I adopt? Well in my heart I knew that I needed to give myself another chance or I may regret that I gave up so quickly at such a young age. So in September I was back at it. This time with a new RE and with new plans.
I wanted to start with IUI because I felt that if I did not have any infertility diagnosis' than why would I have to go to the extremes of IVF. So we began but the first month Hurricane IKE came right through my IUI and everything shut down for weeks. I was so dissapointed but excited about the next month. Well it did not work in October either and in November I did not ovulate and so I recieved the PCOS diagnosis. Anyways I started glucopage and in December I hyperstimiluted and I got pregnant but with an ectopic.
I was devasted. I could not believe this was happening to me. Why would GOD do this to me? What had I done to deseve this. Why would he have me become a Labor and Delivery nurse and spend day in and day out with pregnant women, helping them through their labors and congratulating them when they became mothers and helping them to breastfeed only to never experience it for myself? I refuse to believe God is this cruel. So I grabbed myself up by my boot straps and tried again in April but it did not work...
By this time everybody and I mean everybody was begging me to give up and let it go. Everyone that is except my DH. He knows this is important for me and that well if you have a dream and you feel you can one day acieve it you should keep on trying until you do or well your time runs out.
So here I am 4.5 weeks pregnant for the 4th time. Afraid any minute now God will take this one away from me again. I don't know if I will try again or if I will just adopt again if this one does not work out. My husband and my daughter are the joy of my life and well I guess in the end I just want to be a mom and I have already achieved that.
About 1 month later my results all came back normal. I remember going with my husband to recieve the results of my husbands SA and for the first time thinking positively that we would hear maybe low sperm count and that we would be fine. I will never forget the words Azoospermia. I was like what the hell is that? The doc went on to explain that my husband would never have children naturally and that his sperm count was ZERO. I could not believe it. I could not process it. My heart ached for my husband. I did not know if he would ever be ok.
So in December about 2 months later we started going to an Infertility Doc. We actually started with IVF with donor sperm. How interesting it is to decide on a donor with my husband. We looked at it like a half adoption. Just like you can adopt embryos this was a half adoption of an embryo. I did 3 rounds and got pregnant twice both of them chemical pregnancies. At that time I was so naive. Everytime I got a positive pregnancy test I was full of only joy and excitement never thinking that I could miscarry and both times I was completely devastated.
After that we decided to try IUI with donor sperm of course. I did two cycles and it did not work but a year and half had passed with terrible results now and I was still not a mom. I decided that day that I would let my dream die. I would bury it and move on and find a new dream to live for. Besides my husband had to let his die that he would father a biological child so why would I get to have a biological child? That's when my husband and I decided we should adopt our children.
So 1 month later we started the paperwork. I have to say, I thought that I would have an easier time with adoption than with infertility and I came to find out that they were equally difficult with ups and downs and sometimes being told it may not happen. Sometimes it left me feeling vulnerable to other peoples decisions. Finally almost exactly a year to the day that we started paperwork on the adoption I was matched with a 6 month old baby girl from Colombia. She was beautiful and I immediately fell in love with her. I was finally a mommy and that was in the end my ultimate goal.
Now fast forward to 9 months later. Arabella was now 16 months and I was trying to decide what to do next. I always wanted more than one child. Do I try again or do I adopt? Well in my heart I knew that I needed to give myself another chance or I may regret that I gave up so quickly at such a young age. So in September I was back at it. This time with a new RE and with new plans.
I wanted to start with IUI because I felt that if I did not have any infertility diagnosis' than why would I have to go to the extremes of IVF. So we began but the first month Hurricane IKE came right through my IUI and everything shut down for weeks. I was so dissapointed but excited about the next month. Well it did not work in October either and in November I did not ovulate and so I recieved the PCOS diagnosis. Anyways I started glucopage and in December I hyperstimiluted and I got pregnant but with an ectopic.
I was devasted. I could not believe this was happening to me. Why would GOD do this to me? What had I done to deseve this. Why would he have me become a Labor and Delivery nurse and spend day in and day out with pregnant women, helping them through their labors and congratulating them when they became mothers and helping them to breastfeed only to never experience it for myself? I refuse to believe God is this cruel. So I grabbed myself up by my boot straps and tried again in April but it did not work...
By this time everybody and I mean everybody was begging me to give up and let it go. Everyone that is except my DH. He knows this is important for me and that well if you have a dream and you feel you can one day acieve it you should keep on trying until you do or well your time runs out.
So here I am 4.5 weeks pregnant for the 4th time. Afraid any minute now God will take this one away from me again. I don't know if I will try again or if I will just adopt again if this one does not work out. My husband and my daughter are the joy of my life and well I guess in the end I just want to be a mom and I have already achieved that.
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June 15, 2009