Flutters rollercoster ttc journey

I have been ill with af since the very first one I got when I was just 11yrs old. They had always been so very painful and heavy for me but ppl would just say I was going thru puberty and it would all settel down in a yr or so. Well a yr or so pased and it didnt settle but actually got worse. Then doctors decided I was just 'putting it on' so I wouldnt have to go to school.

My pain would be so bad that I would be in bed with a hot water bottle and unable to move for like 3 wks out of 4. I missed all of my teenage yrs because of this. When all my friends where out at parties I was sick at home.

At times I ended up in hospital the pain was so bad but a very most I would only be told it was pms and to 'get over it'

Then when I was about 17 I decided enough was enough and went to a different gp who actually believed me. Guess it helped I was actually doubled over in pain and in tears in his surgery. He then referred me to my first gyno who only had to hear my story once b4 saying I was going into hospital and would be having surgery to locate the issue. Within the month I had, had my op and was informed that I had slight endo. This eased my mind, knowing that it wasnt all in my head but there was actually something wrong with me.

I then got tried on a wide range of pills none having any affect. Within the next 2yrs I had af for 14months straight with very heavy bleeding and extreme pain.

They did another op and discovered my endo needed lasering at the same time theY discovered I also had bad pcos. With my right overy being so enlarged it actally almost raptured my appendix, which I had to havge removed to prevent this.

So by the time of my 21st birthday I was being presented with my choices 1. bounce from medication to medication hoping they would eventually help me or 2. have a complete hysterectomy. I refused straight that the 2nd opinion would not even be considered. I had always been the girl who didnt want kids but as soon as I was told it may never happen all I could think about was how I wanted to be a mummy one day. So I started on trying every pill and hormone treatment out there. Still none helped. But I didnt lose hope that my wonder drug was out there somewhere just waiting to be discovered.

I wouldnt accept that endo and pcos would cause infertility as I had gotten preggo at the age of 17 to a guy who raped me daily at school.I ended up losing that baby but took it just as Gods way of helping me get thru the truama of the abuse.

Then Just over 2yrs ago I met a wonderful guy on the internet and within 23 days of us first chatting on the net we had met face to face and fallen madly in love. We began a long distance relationship, as he lived in the city and I lived in the country. Just a few months into our relationship we knew we where soul mates and decided that even tho we lived 5hrs apart we wanted to start trying for a baby and would at the same time plan for me to move out of home and in with him we tried and tried but nothing except a miscarriage at 6wks. I eventually got an appoint to see a new gyno in the city (wher eI had since moved too) about 12months after starting ttc. I walked in and the first thing he said was 'congrats your preg' I was like 'but I cant be I got my period yday' he did a u/s and looked at me with one of those looks you just know is goona be followed by bad news. All I remember after that is him saying 'Im sorry' me breaking down and crying and wishing my bf was with me (but he was at work) and him handing me a script for clomid 50mg and metformin. That was Nov 08 and I wass 10-11wks preg.

I have since discovered that I dont ovulate without the help of medications.And I have also had a PID which I pray I never get again, it was total hell!

We have found out in the last 2months that my now fiancee also has male factor infertiliy with only 20% sluggish sperm out of 30million and %80 inactive. As well as this in the past month on my 4th cycle of clomid I finally got preg but had a chemical almost 3 days afetr getting my bfp hpt. Which I am still dealing with my grief for.

So atm we are on a ttc break for at least 3months while we both try to sought out our fertility issues and lose weight etc as well as deal with our emotions and grief caused by out loses.

But we dont see this as the end. In some strange way it is just the begining. I truelly need to hold on to the hope that someway somehow we will be blessed with a little angel to care for and love as God would want us too.....

I realy fely I had to share my journey thus far. Im not sure why I felt I had to share, maybe its to help me heal or to accept my situation. Im really not sure. Im just folloing my heart/head and hoping that somehow my story will help someone else, even if its just by knowing that your not alone on this ttc journey...

Sending you all tons on ***baby dust***