Hi Madeline, I just read your story and I can't begin to tell u how sorry I am that u have been through so much emotional trauma. I too have had miscarriages, and I know that when u get pregnant u feel this incredible high and then when u lose the baby you become severely depressed, as this happened to me as well. I too had one incomplete miscarriage and had the ultimate horror of having to insert pills vaginally to induce bleeding and kind of just lay there for two days to expel everything....I opted for this instead of the d&c because I didn't want to take a chance of having scar tissue etc from it. Anyway, my point is that I understand your biological clock tormenting you because it is bringing me much anxiety as well...I am 38 yrs old...ugh!! Anyway, I am hoping and praying that you have a successful pregnancy, now that your fibroid has been removed. Don't think about the past anymore, I know that is very hard. Think about what u can do now and days to come and start fresh with ttc, like u haven't started before. I wish u the best of luck and I have a good feeling it will come your way soon. :)
4 years and 4 miscarriages: I've been through it all, but hope is fading and my spirit is dying.
May 07, 2008
Here's my story...
I started ttc 4 years ago, both dh and I were 29. We didn't get pregnant for the first year so we consulted a fertility specialist/RE. We failed 2 IUI's, failed one IVF, and he suggested doing a ZIFT IVF for "better results". I did get pregnant, but I miscarried at 8 weeks. That miscarriages turned out to be incomplete and I bled for 3 months. It seemed weird to me so I went to my old OB and he said I had an incomplete miscarriage. So, I had to have a D&C anyways.
I started seeing an fertility acupunturist, and 3 months later I got pregnant on my own. The pregnancy *seemed* like it was going great - had all the pg symptoms and high HCG - but at my 9 week ultrasound they found a blighted ovum. I felt like I had conquered Mt. Everest and someone just pushed me back down!
I had a D&C the day after Christmas. 4 months later I got pregnant again, but miscarried early. I started seeing a new RE who did a Miscarriage Panel on me and found a hetero strain of MTHFR. I was put on high doses of Folic Acid and injectable blood thinners. 4 months later I was pregnant again, and I still miscarried at 6 weeks.
On the ultrasound, it showed I had a 2.5 cm fibroid (about the size of a golf ball). All my previous dr's said it wasn't close to the lining so it wasn't a problem, however this RE suggested a hysteroscopy to take a look at it. His opinion was that there was a good chance it was causing the miscarriages (sucking all the blood away from the uterus)... BUT he couldn't say for sure. I had a huge decision to make!
I was out of options at the point so I decided to have the myo in Nov 2007. It was a long painful recovery. We started ttc again in January 2008 - it's been 4 months - and no pregnancy yet. I just want to give my new uterus a "test run"! I am now contemplating IVF again because I fear my biological clock. I need to know if my body can do this so I can move on to adoption if I need to...
I feel like I have been through hell. Four years of living in the "dark ages"... countless days of crying in bed all day and feeling completely useless as a female... What makes it harder is seeing your friends who weren't even married when you started TTC having their SECOND child by now! And NOBODY understands what you are going through so it's one insensitive comment after another. It would be so much easier to cope with this if we were on our own deserted island. *sigh*
I started ttc 4 years ago, both dh and I were 29. We didn't get pregnant for the first year so we consulted a fertility specialist/RE. We failed 2 IUI's, failed one IVF, and he suggested doing a ZIFT IVF for "better results". I did get pregnant, but I miscarried at 8 weeks. That miscarriages turned out to be incomplete and I bled for 3 months. It seemed weird to me so I went to my old OB and he said I had an incomplete miscarriage. So, I had to have a D&C anyways.
I started seeing an fertility acupunturist, and 3 months later I got pregnant on my own. The pregnancy *seemed* like it was going great - had all the pg symptoms and high HCG - but at my 9 week ultrasound they found a blighted ovum. I felt like I had conquered Mt. Everest and someone just pushed me back down!
I had a D&C the day after Christmas. 4 months later I got pregnant again, but miscarried early. I started seeing a new RE who did a Miscarriage Panel on me and found a hetero strain of MTHFR. I was put on high doses of Folic Acid and injectable blood thinners. 4 months later I was pregnant again, and I still miscarried at 6 weeks.
On the ultrasound, it showed I had a 2.5 cm fibroid (about the size of a golf ball). All my previous dr's said it wasn't close to the lining so it wasn't a problem, however this RE suggested a hysteroscopy to take a look at it. His opinion was that there was a good chance it was causing the miscarriages (sucking all the blood away from the uterus)... BUT he couldn't say for sure. I had a huge decision to make!
I was out of options at the point so I decided to have the myo in Nov 2007. It was a long painful recovery. We started ttc again in January 2008 - it's been 4 months - and no pregnancy yet. I just want to give my new uterus a "test run"! I am now contemplating IVF again because I fear my biological clock. I need to know if my body can do this so I can move on to adoption if I need to...
I feel like I have been through hell. Four years of living in the "dark ages"... countless days of crying in bed all day and feeling completely useless as a female... What makes it harder is seeing your friends who weren't even married when you started TTC having their SECOND child by now! And NOBODY understands what you are going through so it's one insensitive comment after another. It would be so much easier to cope with this if we were on our own deserted island. *sigh*
Hi Carolyn, thanks for being so encouraging! I'm so up and down...sometimes I feel really positive that we are going to pull through this ...but mostly, I feel very angry and fustrated because I have done everything "right" in my life - always made the best choices to put me in the most optimal situation to have children - and yet it is something I can't achieve...no matter how hard I try! My husband and I were high school sweethearts and we have been together for 16 years. It was our plan from the start to have a family together and it's breaking my heart that I can't give us children! ug...
Hi Madeline I just read your story and I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am that you have been through all of this. I too have had 3 miscarriages and I can't even tell you how DH and I felt. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that you need to have faith and be strong. Someone has a plan for all of us and we have to learn to cope with it. I know everything will work for you, you just have to be patient and have faith faith faith. I too am seeing an RE so hopefully it'll work this time. Hang in there and you'll see that sooner that we expected we'll be sharing our pregnancy symptoms. Lots of baby dust and good luck.
Madeline, I know exactly what you mean when you say you've done everything right but you just can't achieve this and you feel like you've failed as a woman. I am on that boat myself :-/ DH doesn't know what it's like, he doesn't even understand female fertility let alone dysfunction. I'm sorry your friends are insensitive and fertile, I suffer the same plus comments from my mother that are alway insensitive and uncalled for. Sending you buckets of babydust and don't give up on TTC, you can do it! I just read about a 41 year old woman who got a bfp at 6dpo and if she can do it, we can too!
I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry. We had 3 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby. We are currently pregnant, but things don't look promising at this point. This probably won't make you feel much better, but it really helps me to read your post & know that others have gone through 4 miscarriages & survived. I thought 3 was too many & I must be the only person in the world who had 3 miscarriages. Now that we are on the brink of number 4 I am not sure that I want to go through this anymore. I am so grateful for my son & I would love for him to be a brother, but.....Anyway I just want to thank you for sharing. You are very right that no one understands. Even people who have been through something similar can't completely understand your journey. I wish you peace and I am grateful to you for your sharing.
Here's an update!
Almost a year after my 4th miscarriage (and my fibroid surgery)... I am pregnant for the 5th time! I am currently at 14 weeks, and things are looking pretty good. I did a Nuchal Translucency Scan at 12 weeks and the baby did not show any abnormalities. The "all day sickness" has been brutal though...
This is the first time I have made it past 10 weeks, and the first time I even saw a heartbeat! I am just now starting to let myself feel a little excited...With all that women like us have been through, you grow a thick shell, and you are so emotionally guarded. I feel like I am just waiting around for the "bad news".
The way I see it - If I can do it, anyone can! My OB said I was one of the worst cases he has ever seen so it really does take courage and determination.
Oh btw - Dr. Q had me on progesterone, prednisone (low dose steriod), baby aspirin, and Lovenox. I am done with everything now but the Lovenox.
Wish me luck on a full term :)
Almost a year after my 4th miscarriage (and my fibroid surgery)... I am pregnant for the 5th time! I am currently at 14 weeks, and things are looking pretty good. I did a Nuchal Translucency Scan at 12 weeks and the baby did not show any abnormalities. The "all day sickness" has been brutal though...
This is the first time I have made it past 10 weeks, and the first time I even saw a heartbeat! I am just now starting to let myself feel a little excited...With all that women like us have been through, you grow a thick shell, and you are so emotionally guarded. I feel like I am just waiting around for the "bad news".
The way I see it - If I can do it, anyone can! My OB said I was one of the worst cases he has ever seen so it really does take courage and determination.
Oh btw - Dr. Q had me on progesterone, prednisone (low dose steriod), baby aspirin, and Lovenox. I am done with everything now but the Lovenox.
Wish me luck on a full term :)
Hi I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Seeing that hearbeat is huge. We just had our 4th miscarriage (but we have a wonderful 2 year old). So we are trying to decide what to do next. Seeing everything that you have been through is inspirational. We are sending you healthy happy baby thoughts!! Many blessings.
Congratulations Madeline!...So happy for you, sounds like you've really been through the mill!
But there is light at the end of the tunnel...yaaaay!!
Im sure you gona be just fine with this pregnancy and get to hold that bundle of joy real soon.
Thanks for sharing your story, its a real inspirational one :))
But there is light at the end of the tunnel...yaaaay!!
Im sure you gona be just fine with this pregnancy and get to hold that bundle of joy real soon.
Thanks for sharing your story, its a real inspirational one :))
Thanks for sharing your story ad givig you our update - really will give hope to others who have suffered as you have - that yes happy endings can and do happen!! Congratulations on the baby and you must be due right around the same time as me (I am due 12th May). I also have brutal m/s - nightmare.
Madeline,
I don't know how you got through 4 miscarriages girl!! I just went through one a couple days ago and I am just soooooooooo broken over it! :(
SO DEVESTATING! How does one get up and keep going and go for yet another round of IVF with the thought in the back of ones head that the same thing can happen!! Are we allowed to question if IVF treatments really work? I love my dr and believe in him but I wonder if the lab is good or if I could've sat different, or walked different or drank something different? Or slept differently,,, I don't know its so hard to go through,,,,,,, sigh,,,, I am getting several blood tests (TUBES) to see what could've gone wrong with the IVF TREATMENT! :( I am so devestated, its hard to go through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J
I don't know how you got through 4 miscarriages girl!! I just went through one a couple days ago and I am just soooooooooo broken over it! :(
SO DEVESTATING! How does one get up and keep going and go for yet another round of IVF with the thought in the back of ones head that the same thing can happen!! Are we allowed to question if IVF treatments really work? I love my dr and believe in him but I wonder if the lab is good or if I could've sat different, or walked different or drank something different? Or slept differently,,, I don't know its so hard to go through,,,,,,, sigh,,,, I am getting several blood tests (TUBES) to see what could've gone wrong with the IVF TREATMENT! :( I am so devestated, its hard to go through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J
JBaby, I am so sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage! You feel like your body is so battered from the shots and the transfer...and then to go through a miscarriage at the end...I know that trauma and I am so sorry you are going through it. Feels like all this pain for nothing. Has your dr. done the miscarriage panel testing? The weird thing is most of the knowledge RE's have now to help recurring pregnancy loss patients were all triggered by improving IVF success rates. It's annoying to me how doctors don't do the tests until you've had 2 or more miscarriages... but once you start narrowing down what it an be, there are treatment options for almost everything now. Did you do PGD with your last IVF cycle? The only way I got up and kept going after each miscarriage was empowering myself with knowledge...getting closer to the right solution for MY body. My first RE probably would have had me doing IVF's over and over again... when the REAL problem was I had RPL issues. I thought my struggle was with infertility but it turned out to be with keeping the baby. It took me a bit longer to get pregnant this last time (almost a year). I knew I had a tight/curved cervix because the catheter from my IVF transfers were really painful...so I asked my OB to dialate my cervix prior to ovulation and BAM, I got pregnant on my own immediately! Most RE's would have suggested I jump to IVF because it's what they do. But every body is different and the key is finding out what yours needs. Hopefully you will get some answers from the tests! Do you have known infertility issues or are you unexplained? If you are unexplained, I encourage you to keep trying on your own. After my IVF's I got pregnant 4 times on my own (using this crazy method that I came up with my myself! let me know if you're interested in hearing about it!)
May 07, 2008
This helps me get through a little bit... hopefully it gives you a little bit of peace too.